August 27, 2009

A Life of Paradoxes

My life is full of paradoxes. The last two years have opened my eyes in more ways than I could ever have imagined. God has used many people and places to enable me to see what He sees….to let me feel what He feels. To let me love whom He loves.

I sat in church last Sunday and my mind was racing. Then one thought ran across my brain that gave me pause. I am stuck between two worlds. Yes, I know that we as Christians are not of this world. We are aliens and strangers. We are to long for our heavenly home. Yet living that out here and now is a challenging adventure.

I have strong desire to sell everything I have and move to place where I can live among the least of these. Yet, I also have those crazy worldly urges-- like spending $4000 (on credit) on something that is totally unnecessary. (and no we didn’t thanks to a practical hubby who will pray about every purchase)

I feel a call to start school to work towards a degree in social work to fulfill dreams……but I also want to spend the time I have volunteering with organizations that I am already involved in. If there were only 36 hours in a day!

I want to teach my children to be grateful and thankful for what they have and make them aware of what others don’t have….yet sometimes I know I end up making them feel guilty for what they have. Not my intentions…but I know it happens.

Some days I want to throw the tv out and be done with the filth and indoctrination it brings. Yet on a lot of nights, I love a good crime show.

There are times I want to bask in God’s glow and just sit and enjoy His presence, His warmth, His love. Other times I want to fight the good fight for Him and accomplish all that I can in His strength. Certain instances, I feel like the child whose dad just taught how to swim --that swims up to her daddy so excited at what she just learned and finally accomplished…

Some Sundays I am so frustrated with ‘church’ and all of the struggles with it and other Sundays I look around and think “what would I do without these people?" and want to have a major group hug!

Being a Jesus follower and going against the flow of the world can mess with you at times.

Quite honestly, some days it is really hard knowing what really goes in certain parts of the world--knowing what really goes in our little area of the world.

Sometimes it hurts to love what He loves and hate what He hates. You know, where you feel like you heart is going to literally break, and you have to do SOMETHING…ANYTHING…

Oh, God, speak…your daughter is listening….


  1. sounds like my life a little...thankful for our online community!

  2. I truly love your heart for heart for God and your way of putting life's "issues" so succinctly. You make me think and make me laugh & cry, and reading your blog really blesses me!

    I know exactly what you mean about being "caught in the middle." Casting Crowns says it rather well: "Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense, deep-water faith in the shallow end..."

    Yet as long as we're open to listening, I know that God has ways of re-focusing our attention on Him. What an awesome God we serve!

  3. What a beautiful expression of your heart. Thanks for sharing. I, too, feel this tug-of-war and am thankful there are others who toggle as I do!


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...