June 1, 2011

God’s will and not my own

Yesterday we received some devastating news that the mother of the baby boy we were going to adopt came and took him home. Her court date was on Tuesday and she had changed her mind.  While we always knew that there was a chance for this—our boy had been in the orphanage since October so we didn’t really concern ourselves too much with it.
Our emotions are in a whirlwind. We are sad that we will never get to hold him and meet him. However….as we grieved and prayed yesterday—God reminded us that adoption is not about us. It’s about the child. And whatever is best for the child is what it needs to be about.  So while I am grieving my loss,  I am thankful that he will be raised with his mother.
Our lives have been connected for 3 months with the little one and his mother for a reason. Perhaps to remember to pray for him and her for the rest of our lives. We are connected and we won’t forget him.
Our little one’s name means “Praise”.  And we will continue to praise God and know that He is good and still on the throne.
I went to my grandmother’s today and listened to the song below over and over again.
So—come and listen to what He’s done.
  • a wonderful compassionate caseworker who even called my hubby to come home before she called me.
  • a friend that was coming for a play date and showed up right after that call—and she sat and literally held me and cried with me.
  • a friend that came straight over after she heard the news and prayed with us.
  • countless emails and phone calls and facebook posts giving love, compassion, and understanding.
  • a friend who was at our care center that shared with me that our boy will be okay and that he is loved by his mother.
  • learning even more about how much God must yearn for me as His daughter—and how much He loves me.
  • my peace, unfathomable peace. I am a gal who can be overrun by her emotions—and while I have cried and grieved, I have peace.
I must admit that at the beginning, right after the call, my first thought was “I am done. This is too hard. Let’s cut our losses and run.” and God began His work and poured out His love for me and for a mother and son across the ocean.
And He confirmed it with precious friends. I am going to share bits and pieces of emails so that they may also speak to you in whatever situation you are in.
God did not even spare his own Son suffering and grief - how can we expect to be spared?  Somehow that thought comforts me and helps me to not sink into being angry with God for things not going how I'd like them to go - how I prayed for them to go.  Be comforted and continue to be brave, my friend!!! ____________________________
My heart breaks with you today. I do not always understand God's ways but trust completely in His Sovereignty. I know He holds your future child close and right now holds you even closer in your disappointment. He knows your disappointment and understands your grief.
Tonight, one beautiful little boy rests again in the arms of his mother.  And another waits in the orphanage right now, for the day to come -- soon! -- when he can rest in his forever momma's arms.
His timing is never wrong.  It is always, always, always perfect.
Praise our God for He is good!


  1. Well, now you're making ME cry. :) Love to you, dear friend... can't wait to rejoice again with you. And thankful that we share that same amazing coordinator!

  2. So beautifully put! Praying for you and this sweet baby(and his mom)! Thankful that you have wonderful friends who can be the hands and feet of Jesus to YOU!:)

  3. I was just thinking about you this morning and wondering if you had gone to court yet. Now my heart is breaking for you, but God's ways are so far above our own. He DOES have a purpose in this. May you feel His strength, peace, and comfort each day. Hoping you get another call soon! :)

  4. my heart hurts for you because i too was there..i lost our baby due to the same reasons...and therefore got the next placement which was Lucy lane...God is good..we can't imagine our lives with out her...but i remember the pain like it was yesterday...know we are praying for you all tonight, kj

  5. Oh, Charisa, I am so sorry. It is so beautiful to see the peace that God is giving you during this time!

  6. Praying for you now, and for that dear baby boy and his mother. I can't imagine all that you are feeling.

  7. I am so sorry. I am praying for you. God has a perfect plan for you. I know you know that. I am thankful for your heart of peace.

  8. Thank you for your authenticity and for being so open to the Lord in this difficult time. Michael Card wrote a great book a few years ago, called Sacred Sorrow. It's about the lost art of lamenting and how lament and sadness is an act of worship - when we take these emotions to Jesus. You are allowing yourself to be broken with the very things that break the heart of God and sometimes we get hurt in the process. We stand with you in believing that God will bring a great good out of this for your family as well as the boy. Love you!

  9. Charisa, i am so sorry for you....i did not have a computer for a few weeks so i did not know until now. i understand this pain so well as i went through it last year.you are right as i continue to pray for my first little girl i lost before mento...that we are meant to be connected to these children for a reason...so they (and their families) will always have prayer warriors. big hugs to you--


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